Jaime's Final Words

We can never express to you just how special Jaime Moltisanti Cucuzza was, and how heartbreaking it was to lose her. Therefore, we have included her final words below so you can get to know Jaime just a little bit better.

Ok so anyway it dawned on me that people don't get to speak at their own funerals. This should be obvious, the dead are always the quiet ones. But I would argue that we perhaps have the most to say right now. Like, holy crap, I'm dead, how'd that happen? Of course I know how it happened (unless life threw me a curve ball and hit me with a truck,) in fact I have known this day was coming since my very first day at Sloan. Dr. Zauderer said "you will never NOT have this cancer, you will never be cancer free," what she meant was not now, but this will kill you.

This probably should have given me some perspective huh? For the most part it just gave me a trump card, so if anyone was annoying me with a lame ass tale of woe, I would be like, DUDE MY BRAIN BLED! Suck on that!

But I did learn one thing, no matter what I faced, I'd rather do it while laughing. I know I have told this story ad nauseum but I am the dead one so you have to listen to it. When I told my dad that I was hesitant to use Coal Tar Shampoo for my dry scalp because it was shown to cause cancer, he replied "But you already have cancer so you may as well use it." When my dad was recovering from his open heart surgery, I was devastated for him. On the other hand I found my mother's inability to pronounce his surgeon's name just delightful. "Tamayuki", "Tamagachi", "Takayama", "Talkamata", "Yamaguchi". It filled me with glee, annoyed the shit out of my dad which only added to my amusement.

I have one more, has nothing to do with the medical situation. But I cracked my brother up so much this one time (one of my favorite things to do BTW) that he uses this story to explain me to people he knows. I doubt he was planning to tell you all here cause he is, you know, classier that I am, so . . . We were talking and Adam says "I heard this terrible Christmas song on the radio, it's called Christmas Shoes." I replied, "OMG I hate that song. I bet it was written by the same asshole who wrote Butterfly Kisses."

Anyway, I would like to thank all of you who came to pay your respects or to make sure I was really dead. Just trust me, you don't want to be that old man who yelled at all of us for laughing in the chemo ward, "This is a SERIOUS place!" We all looked at him like, "Oh shit dude, do you have cancer? SO DO THE REST OF US NIMWAD!"

Mel Brooks said after fighting in WW2, he thought the best revenge was to make Hitler the laughing stock of the world. So he wrote the song "Spring Time for Hitler". I think that philosophy works for any obstacle in your way. Laugh your ass off at it, it might get you in the end but it will never have your respect.

In closing, I end with my favorite joke. Is it dirty, you ask? Perhaps the better question is, did she even know any clean jokes? Mickey is at a meeting with his lawyer. "Mickey, I found a judge who will grant you your divorce, but not on the grounds that Minnie is crazy." Mickey said, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."